My knees hit the ground a lot quicker than I had expected and the candle I had lit in my room shone brighter than any lamp ever could, time seemed to freeze… in that moment it was just me and God.
This was the appointment I had been putting off for nearly a week.
As I knelt on the ground I began uttering the same words to God over and over again; “I just don’t get it, I just don’t get it, I just don’t get it.” Each time I spoke those words my heart seemed to ache that little bit more and the tears started to stream quicker. I had been through probably the worst week yet in my Christian walk, it was just bad news after bad news. My whole world seemed to stop, I couldn’t concentrate, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t socialise…I was heartbroken. You know the type of pain that actually hurts your soul? I had so many questions, so many that I knew would remain unanswered and I had so many emotions that I didn’t know how to deal with them.
I had nothing left to offer God but my brokeness. If I’m being honest it’s easier to pretend to have it all together than admit I’m broken (pride) God knows we’re broken yet so often we think we can fool him into seeing us as ‘sorted’ or ‘all together’ – there is absloutely no freedom in walking the Christian life in a lie.
God calls us to be vulnerable. open. honest. raw.
If you’re like me, these words are not fun, they are scary. Yet it is only through vulnerability with God that we experience true peace, comfort, forgiveness and love.
In that moment of brokeness as I knelt on the floor God began to speak into my heart and my prayer began to expand. The full stop changed into a comma. Instead of focussing soley on how I was feeling, I began proclaiming God’s truth in the midst of the situation.
“I just don’t get it, but I am going to trust you God.”
“I just don’t get it, but God you’re faithful.”
“I just don’t get it, but I know You’re in control.”
Something wonderful happens when we lay our hearts bare with God and allow him to have the final say in each situation. But so often we run from him.
What is the first thing you do when:
Your friends have stabbed you in the back?
You haven’t spoken to members of your family in months?
Things aren’t going well in your relationship?
You are struggling at work?
You have no idea how you feel about Church anymore or you’ve been hurt by fellow Christians?
Every part of our natural nature wants to run from God but we are called to live out of the Spirit who is God and brings us closer to the Father. Why? Because he loves us.
That night I write about happened a year ago this month. I want to be real and honest and say I didn’t get up from the floor and never think about that situation again, get upset by it or attempt to hide my true feelings from God. I did however, get up of the floor feeling refreshed in God’s love, assured of His promises and comforted in the knowledge that it’s okay to not be okay.
One year later I think about that week, the situations I faced and pain that was so real and, I smile.
Sounds weird, right? I smile because God has brought me through, he has healed my heart, revealed his plan for my life evermore clearly and he has never left my side.
He wants to do the same for you, stop fighting Him, He’s ready change your world from the inside out.
I pray that this is an encouragement to you. To never give up. To meet with your Lord and be vulnerable. To allow his love to transform your life.
‘I was pushed back and about to fall, but the Lord has helped me.’ – Psalm 118:13